Arrest of the Chairman
by Love Siggy
Summary: Ohtori Akio is captured and arrested by an otherworld policeman and taken to other worlds in order to be put away. **Beware, this fic is not purely Utena related. I packed loads of other fun stuff in here as well. There. You have been warned.**
1. The Arrest is Made

i do not own shoujo kakumei utena, k?  
  
by the way, this is dedicated to my firend....uh....was it shido? anyway, you know who you are, so be glad!  
  
Akio sat quietly on his lovely white couch sipping some sort of drink and munching thoughtfully on a rose petal. No one seriously knew what he was drinking, but he drank them all the time. Someone, somewhere, had found out about this habit and had nicknamed the alcoholic drink 'Chairman', but other than that, no one had a clue as to what it really was. He relaxed and swirled his cup, staring at it and attempting to be as sexy as humanly possible.   
  
"This is so bland." he said to himself, not meaning the drink, but the world. "There's nothing to do but stand around and watch people fight for each other- and to what end?" He grinned devilishly. "I suppose it is the end of the world, isn't it? haha. Perhaps I shouldn't be so gloomy." With that, he sloshed the rest of his drink down his throat and stood up. "Naaaaaaaaah........" he sighed, stretching. This movement, however, caused his shirt to fall open. He looked at it. Didn't care. Took it off. He walked across the observatory, stretching his arms this way and that, just being lazy, mostly, until he heard a noise. Akio's secret Oika sense told him that there was someone there- but who? He halted in his tracks, striking a defensive pose. It was more for the effect rather than actual caution; it made his chest look soooo good.   
"Who's there?" he called, and someone stepped from behind the telescope to look at him. Akio didn't like this. He straightened and put his side to this newcomer, to afford him more visibility of his visitor than his visitor had of him. Advantage. "Who are you?" he asked again.  
The form took a step closer and Akio could make out the countours of their face. It was definitely a man- although one can rearely be sure- and he was tall, thin, strangely familiar...... "I am the phoenix."   
Akio's strange 'Oika' sense told him he was in danger (it's kinda like spidey-sense only for akio ^-^). He hadn't actually expected to be answered. He swallowed, hoped it was just Touga playing some stupid trick on him, looked into his empty glass for more alcohol, discovered that there was none, and threw it to the ground, shattering it over the smooth floor. Disadvantage.  
The phoenix came on at a run, flying towards Akio with incredible speed. "Gyaaaah!!" Akio cried, dodging the attack(?) just in time. He wasn't quite alert enough, however, to see the second one coming. The phoenix came from behind him and pinned Akio's hands behind his back. Then he spoke:  
"Ohtori Akio. You are under arrest for being 1. rediculously good-looking, 2. an agent trying to end the world, and lastly, but most importantly, 3. a complete and total bastard. You have the right to remain silent, and please do, because your voice is unbearably sexy and that bothers me."   
By this time, Akio's Oika sense was alerting him with incredible insistance that he was most definitely 'in trouble'. Damn that damn Oika, ((sorry, val, I had to)) he thought, trying to think over the noise in his pretty little head. All the while, quite aware that he was indeed in trouble. The phoenix had already tied his hands and he couldn't move to save his life. Why couldn't I just keep a normal sword at my side for cases like this? he thought, It's damn inconvenient to have to have someone else as your sheath. His thoughts were dashed, however, when the man stepped out in front of him. Akio gasped. He looked like Touga. Only not. This was confusing. He was definitely a red-head. His hair fell into his face on both sides, but it wasn't as long as touga's and was pulled back smartly at the nape of the man's neck. This fellow also had green eyes. Startlingly green.... Akio thought, eyes widening a little bit. No! Thinking like THAT won't get me out of this! He allowed himself to focus on this man with a clear clean conscious. The phoenox was tall, as tall as Akio himself, but he didn't wear a school uniform. I wonder where this guy's from? Akio speculated, but didn't have much more time than that before he was slapped in the face. ((there you go, all you akio-haters out there! he has officially been 'slapped in the face')) He fell to the ground with a - chink? "Naaaaaaargh!" he cried as broken glass entered his shoulder, side, and face. The phoenix stood over him with evident delight, then knealt down and put his lips to Akio's ear. "I imagine I'll enjoy putting you away, Ohtori Akio. You always were a handsome little slut, and if you weren't such a self-centered narcissistic sister-raping bastard, then we could have all enjoyed passing you around. But times are hard, dear chum, and i think you'll find life in jail a little less satisfying than ruining the lives of the people at this school. Terribly sorry, but you did bring it on yourself, you know." He lifted Akio by the waist and tossed him over one shoulder, ignoring the other man's strangled attempts to dislodge himself from his grasp.   
"Who........ARE you?! Who are YOU to arrest ME?!" Akio demanded.   
The phoenix pulled a small device from one of the many pockets hidden in his arsenal of an outfit. "If you really care, my name is Jonathan Alexander, "The Phoenix" as I told you before. I am one of the most dangerous men in the universe. More dangerous, even than you. But i'm sure you can tell by the fact that I'm-" he pressed the desired button on his little device and a teleportal yawned in front of him, "-going to kill you."  
  
*beedeebaw* 


	2. Getting to Know You

Here comes the rousing part 2!  
  
Akio lost consciousness for some moments. When he reopened his eyes he was very much not at home. He was lying on the ground in a very non-sexy manner and it bothered him. He was looking up at the red-haired man who'd insulted him previously. Hey, wait a minute....he's captured him, too! And hurt him. Ow....broken glass. Akio moaned and attempted to sit up. The Pheonix had been probing at his little elctronic device, but whirled at the sound of Akio awakening.  
"Aw, damn."  
"What?" Akio was already put off.  
The Pheonix looked somewhat miserable as he turned to work on his device again and sounded even more miserable as he mumbled, "Nothing that matters to you, trash."  
Akio started to cringe at the words, realized he was indeed a man, halted the cringing, then decided he would just take the insults and reversed the cringing process all together. WIth that finished, he sat up with considerable pain. He smoothed a hand across his once-imaculate cheek. Dried blood was crusted over several small spikes of glass embedded there. He got his fingers around one of them and yanked.  
  
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The Pheonix glared at him. "Did you say something?"  
Akio grimaced, fresh blood dripping down his face into his mouth. "E'm fenn," he mumbled, leaning back and marvelling at the many suns he could see gleaming in the sky. "Where are we, anyway? This looks little like a prison to me."  
The Pheonix turned to him and crossed his arms over a well-muscled chest. "We're taking a detour. My damn Translocator doesn't work so we're going there on foot." Akio gave him a dour look and he exploded, "Okay, Ohtori! I'm not exactly all peaches and muffins about travelling with you, either so you can stuff that look right up your ass! That's what you do with everything else you get a hold of, anyway." He turned and set off across a smooth sand dune, one whose twins seemed to cover the rest of the terrain.  
Akio didn't cringe.  
He stood and stumbled after his captor. What else could he do?  
"Hey, y'know, um....whatever you said your name was--?"  
"Jonathan."  
"Yah, Jonathan, Jonny, ol' pal. You know, we'd be a lot happier, the both of us, if you weren't so mean about all this. 'Cause, you know, there's really only two people that hate me back at my school. I'm actually a pretty popular guy. More popular, even, than Touga. If we were....uh...friends, maybe, perhaps--"  
"I don't have any roses, Ohtori. Don't call me Jonny."  
"Oh." Well, that dashed all his plans. No roses. Damn.  
They walked on in silence a moment.  
"What about alcohol?"  
"NO, DAMMIT!"   
THIS was going to be a fun trip.  
  
*more to come.....^-^* 


	3. A trip to the Ygg D

The adventure continues!   
  
  
The two men reached a small oasis due to a map the Pheonix was continuously consulting. It consisted of a small pool of water and one solitary tree. It looked like something straight out of final fantasy. Akio didn't let that worry him, however, and happily splashed up to his ankles in the cool water. He sank to his knees and went about cleaning off his face. In the meantime, the Pheonix examined his map ever-closely and glanced repeatedly at the sky. Suddenly, he waltzed up to Akio, grabbed him roughly by the arm, and dragged him from the water.  
  
"What the--" Akio blarbled, but unfortunately, he could already see what was going on. The Pheonix had his teleportal working again. They stepped through a small black aperture into what looked like a futuristic airport.  
  
The Pheonix blinked, then let out a furious growl. "Why the HELL do I keep missing!? I swear, Ohtori, this has never happened before." He wasn't really talking to Akio. In actuality, he wondering how in Hell he'd gotten himself from an anime into a playstation game. "Let's just hope we can get out of here without meeting up with anyone...."   
  
Unfortunately, this was a bad day for our dear Pheonix, and at that moment, three handsome young men walked into the huge room. One of them pointed at Akio and yelled, "Holy crap, who the Hell are they?!"  
  
  
Another halted him and said, "Don't worry, Fei, I'm sure we can figure out who they are. I don't believe they are Krelian's minions."  
  
The first man gave him an odd look. "What do you mean by that?"  
  
They were both interrupted by the third young man who was apparently wearing white bellbottoms, "I say we blow them up! We haven't blown anything up for, like, 3 hours now!"  
  
Akio took this moment to lean over to his captor and raise a very sexy eyebrow.  
  
"Shut up, Ohtori. Don't say anything. They're from Xenogears. It's best not to get too close. They won't be so appreciative of you. Well, maybe Bart.... but that's not the problem. We need to find a way to get out of here and fast." Akio nodded dumbly.  
  
The three Xenogearsians came to some sort of decision about what to do, and eventually just strolled up the them. The second man, dressed in green, was the one who hailed them, "Hello, young sirs, I am Shitan Uzuki, and these are my friends, Fei and Bart. May I ask who you are and what brought you here?"  
  
The pheonix stood as straight as humanly possible and began reattling off his title, "I am Commander Jonathan R. Alexander, "The Pheonix" of Datsia, the commanding force of the universe, here to arrest one very evil bastard, Ohtori Akio, from his academy in.... uh.... Shoujo Kakumei Utena."  
  
"What did you call her!?" Akio screamed. No one in HIS school was revolutionary except for himself.  
  
"Nothing, Ohtori, shut up!" The Pheonix growled.  
  
"What do you mean by that?" Fei asked thoughtfully.  
  
Everyone stared at Fei.  
  
Shitan cupped a hand under his chin and tapped a foot, "I see. I've been expecting you."  
  
"What?" The Pheonix was astounded, "But we only got here by accident! There's no possible way you could have expected us, no way you could have known anything about it."  
  
"Are you kidding? I know everything! I'm omnicient!"  
  
"He really is," Fei added.  
  
"Does anyone want some beer?" Bart chimed in.  
  
Akio perked up, "OOOh, BEER!"  
  
The pheonix and Shitan shook their heads sadly. Fei just looked confused. Bart and Akio went to have some drinks.  
  
**** 4 Beers later ****  
  
Akio set yet another empty mug on the table, and laughed his head off, "So then, I just said to him, 'sekai no hate' and he gave me another cactus! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaby!" Bart laughed along with him, no clue as to what he was talking about, but having a darn good time. He was about to ask his butler for another round of drinks when a silver-haired beauty presented himself at the door. Bart leaped out of his stool,  
"Sigurd!"  
  
"Young master, what do you call this?" Sigurd demanded.  
  
Bart looked somewhat ashamed, "Sig, I'm sorry, I just thought, I mean he looked like a nice guy, and he, well, um... I'm quite drunk."  
  
Sigurd shook his head, "You were drinking this morning, too, Young Master. How do you expect to blow things up tomorrow with a massive hangover?"  
  
"I don't get hangovers, Shnookie, you know that."  
  
Sigurd cleared his throat menacingly. "Shnookie?"  
  
"yah!" Akio stood up, "I call Touga that all the time! *hic*" He staggered over to the fourth attractive man he'd seen today. He wasn't used to something that had such a high concentration of alcohol. Bart liked STRONG beer. That didn't stop Akio from introducing himself, however. He held out one auburn hand, "I'm Akio. I have my own school." He got a mischievous look on his face and raised another extremely sexy eyebrow, "And I can change clothes instantaneously."  
  
"Cool!" Bart exclaimed.  
  
Sigurd, however, was not impressed. He was, in fact, disappointed. "You're horribly dirty... in more ways than one... drunk, barging in on my ship, filling my brother's head with all sorts of trash, and you stole my look. I want you out of here."  
  
"Stole your look!?" Akio quaffed. No possible way. Sigurd was dark-skinned, a hint of red mixed in with the brown, had light, curly long hair kept tied back in a ponytail, had a slender build, yet muscular, wore a white coat with tails, and was unbearably sexy... Aw, damn. Akio ended up just standing there with his mouth open until Sigurd pivoted smartly on his heel, mumbled, "I thought so," and marched out of the room.  
  
Everything was silent for a moment........ but only for a moment. Raucous drinking games echoed loudly through the Yggdrazil for hours, and the next time anyone saw either Bart or Akio, the two men were described as 'Extraordinarily giddy'. Upon hearing this news, the Pheonix settled into his maps once again to try and figure out how the hell he was going to get back to Datsia..."  
  
* I'm off my rocker now, there's no coming back, baby! *  
  
*And sorry for mixing genres on you. It just worked perfectly! this is only my first fic, and I HAD to put xenogears in here somehow, ne? please forgive me* 


	4. Finally! Homeward Bound!

*Know all of you that they're Fei's legs, not Id's! And what is it with hot guys having one syllable names? Even one letter names? Strange, ne?*  
  
*Anyway, Back to the story!*  
  
The pheonix ran a hand through his hair in frustration. He had calculated and recalculated his next route. He would NOT make a further fool of himself. Espaecially not in front of Ohtori or a bunch of freaky little xenogearsians. He leaned far back in his chair, closing his eyes and letting the blood rush to his head.  
  
After a short moment, he heard a noise and opened his eyes to find a painful white blur standing in the doorway. He sat up with a grunt and flung his face into his hands, scrubbing the hurt out of his eyes.  
  
"May I help you?" he asked the newcomer, not even bothering to see who it was.  
  
"I came to offer some support, and perhaps a threat." Came a smooth voice from the figure behind him.  
  
'A threat?' the Pheonix thought, 'who does this guy think he is?' "Who do you think you are?" he asked.  
  
"I think little on the subject, however I know quite positively that I am Sigurd Harcourt. I came to propose that you leave immediately. I understand that you are having problems locating yourself, but your prisoner is harrassing my brother. If there is anything that I can do that will assist you in leaving my ship faster, then please allow me to do it."  
  
The phoenix finally turned to meet his visitor. "Actually, I think there is." He beckoned Sigurd to the table on which he was working. "Just recalculate these numbers for me. I feel I may have lost my touch and am making the same mistakes multiple times."  
  
Sigurd obliged, but came up with all the same numbers as the Phoenix himself had. Leaning back, Jonathan laughed slightly. "Good. We can leave at dawn. I'm terribly sorry for the actions of my prisoner. Ohtori is a very... Naughty man."  
  
Sigurd shook his head. "It is not entirely his fault. my brother is less than mature. It's hard sometimes being intelligent in this game."  
  
The pheonix laid a hand on Sigurd's shoulder, "I can see that. You and that doctor guy seem to be the only ones around here who have any sense of logic at all."  
  
Sigurd laughed a little. "Well...we can be wild too at times. You know, ever since he's been undercover for Cain, we've been calling him Shitan 'The McShitter Man' Uzuki." The Pheonix couldn't help but laugh at this. In fact, they both laughed at some length, just to remember what it feels like.  
  
* * * *  
  
At dawn, The Pheonix worked his magic with a very hungover Akio in toe. As he stepped through the telportal, he saluted fondly to Sigurd, who returned the gesture, then all went black.  
  
When the two men finally winked back into existance, they were, in fact, where they had meant to be. The pheonix heaved a sigh of relief as he tugged Akio through the massive throng of people.  
  
This was Datsia. The Criminal Capital of the world. Unfortunately for the criminals, they were all locked up. The place was swarming with hunters of all kinds. The pheonix recognized Witch Hunter Robin, Vampire Hunter D, and the notorious bounty hunter, Spike Spiegel. There were even signs around that said Hunter X Hunter. The pheonix was finally beginning to feel at home. There really were an ass load of hunters in Datsia. Hell, he must have known 15 people named Hunter, and there were probably a thousand more being born that day. All these thoughts were unceremoniously shoved from his mind, however, when he reached a counter that looked like a present-day baggage check.  
  
Jonathan flashed some sort of identification at the guard there, "Jonathan Alexander. I'm here to finally bring in Ohtori Akio. He's in Wing 000495, 3rd System. And make it quick. He's been a severe pain in the ass."  
  
Akio sneered at the guard handling his sentence and the man went about his business much faster. It wasn't that Akio was scary or anything. He was just really sexy and that bothered people.  
  
The guard was really beginning to build up some speed when he came to a crashing halt. "I'm Sorry, Mr. Alexander. You're to take him to the boss."  
  
The phoenix gave that poor guard a glare that could make a harpie cry. "Very well." With that, he yanked Akio gruffly by the arm and headed towards a glass office some feet away. "Looks like you're definitely more trouble than you're worth, Ohtori." he grumbled.  
  
Akio smiled a very sexy smile, "Oh, I do try to be."  
  
*Haha, don't think the fun ends here! I would have written more, but this chapter is getting long and boring. Well, hope for better next time!* 


	5. Mission: Jonathan

* Eagles may Soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines *  
  
-Your friendly neighborhood Weasel Girl! *a.k.a. ME!*  
  
  
"Yes, General?" The phoenix said as he entered the glass office with Akio in tow.  
  
A burly man at a lone desk looked up at them, bringing to sight a long scar running through his right eye and down his cheek to tug at the corner of his mouth. "Ah, Jonathan. So glad you made it back. I trust Akio here wasn't too much trouble for you?"  
  
The Phoenix laughed humorlessly, "Trouble? Oh, HEAVENS no! No trouble at ALL!" his smile disappeared instantly, replaced by a look of fury, "General, you have no idea what I lengths I went through to get him here-"  
  
"And you'll go through pleanty more, dear boy." The general smiled sardonically, "I want you to work with him."  
  
"HA!" Akio interjected, "Oooooh, that goes to show you, bird-man! HAHA! Take that! He wants You to work with ME!"  
  
"Not so fast, Ohtori." The general held up one gloved hand, "You're still a criminal, and one bastardly devil-"  
  
"That's sexy bastard to you"  
  
"Whatever. One sexy bastard, and we're going to put you away as soon as this job is done, but for now..." He looked to Jonathan who appeared to be steaming, "I wish for you to help my finest assistent with something urgent."  
  
Akio considered this as if he were just asked weather he preferred red or pink. ((just for a side note, the answer is RED)) "Let me get this straight. I get to prance around with this lovely little fun muffin on your request only to have you throw me in jail the second I'm done busting my ass for you?"  
  
"Yes, that's pretty much it."  
  
"Cool!"  
  
"Hold on a second," Jonathan interrupted, finding his voice at last. "What kind of mission is there in the UNIVERSE that would require help from Ohtori Akio?"  
  
"I need him to make you a man."  
  
Akio and Jonathan blinked twice each, then spluttered, "WHAT?"  
  
"I need him to make you a man."  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"Must I really repeat myself?"  
  
Jonathan was the first to recover, out of anger. "WHAT the Hell is HE going to do to make ME a man!? Ok, first off, aren't I man enough? I mean, I don't hesitate to kill people, I can bench you, and I've got really big boots and funky colored hair! Not to mention skin tight black leather pants! And...and...Why Akio???? He's, he's too damn skinny! He's shaped like a girl, he's got girly hair, he's got girly tastes, he freaking sleeps with MEN, and he's got eyelashes the size of the NILE! How is HE going to teach me to be a man!?"  
  
Akio shot him a furious glare, but the General halted him with a wave of his hand, "Because, my dear Jonathan, he's one sexy bastard. And women love him." Akio nodded in approval, but Jonathan just stood there with his mouth wide open. This was really not going his way.  
  
"But why, General, should you care about my manliness? I'm the judge of that, and if women don't like it, then tough for them!"  
  
"JONATHAN!" The general roared, rising from his seat and pounding his hands on the table ((kinda like Integral Hellsing)) "Have you forgotten your place? You know very well who you're going to marry. Don't you want her to be pleased with you when you finally meet?"   
  
Akio turned and raised an extremely sexy eyebrow at Jonathan as the red-haired man clasped both hands to his mouth. "Oh, General, I'm so terribly sorry." He sighed resignedly, "What will you have me do?"  
  
"You'll both go back to Ohtori Academy, and stay there for a month. You'll live with Akio in that damned observatory. And Akio!" Akio sprang to attention. "Don't try anything funny. No men over night. No girls over night. No banging your sister on the couch. No banging your fiancee on the telescope. No cacti and no floral accessories. Your damn school keeps the Weiss Kreuz boys busy enough as it is."  
  
"I do pay them well, though, you know..." Akio informed him, a lewd grin appearing on his face.  
  
"Akio, that's disgusting. Surely not Omi-"  
  
"Oh, yes. ALL of them."  
  
"ouleeeeeh!"  
  
"Excuse me while I go barf." Jonathan said flatly, holding his stomach.  
  
"Anyway!" The general said, turning the subject to the matter at hand, "You will show Jonathan the tools of the trade. Make him unbearably sexy. But be careful. Don't under any circumstances make him a slut! He's very important to me. I don't want him getting any diseases."  
  
"I imagine Ohtori already has a lovely collection of THOSE." Jonathan muttered.  
  
"Don't worry, mister General sir. I won't make birdy here into a slut-muffin. I'm the only slut-muffin allowed in my school." Akio grinned, grabbing the edges of his jacket and pulling them wide.  
  
The general shielded the view with his hand, "The only one? Akio you must be kidding me. What about Touga? Saionji? And that one Ruka guy? Not to mention your sister. Surely they're considered slut-muffins as well?"  
  
Akio sniffed, "No, actually. Touga doesn't really sleep with any of his girlfriends. he just talks to them on his cell phone. Saionji and I are the only ones he's really been with. And Saionji has only slept with Touga, but his real love lies in Wakaba. ((there you go, Baka Waka-chan. You have your fantasy)) Ruka never slept with Shiori because she's even more of an underworld monster than I am. He's purely with Juri, who also never slep with Shiori just for the memo. As for my sister... She, Utena, and I are just one big circle of indirect sex. So, you see, I am the only true slut-muffin. It makes me so proud sometimes." Akio sniffled and wiped a fake tear from his cheek. "Now where's the bar?"  
  
*Bwaha. Now you see how this world works. TOO FUN! How the Hell did I come up with that? To think this all started with Akio and a single Chairman.* 


	6. Oh, Home on the Range

*you'd think I'd run out of crap to talk about, but these damn chapters keep on coming! Unfortunately, no one's reading them so no one really cares. Except maybe you, Shido. Hope you still like it. And no, Michael is going to be no part of this. Jon is STRAIGHT. sorry. Anyway, here we go again!*  
  
As Jonathan and Akio exited the office, Akio shuffled with a packet of papers he recieved that permitted him to shower and things like that. Many of them also prohibited him from doing anything Akio-like. He was already thinking up fun ways of breaking those contracts. Presently, Jonathan was fuming beside him, tapping his chin with a forefinger and tugging at his hair every now and then. Akio noticed his discomfort and decided to make conversation.  
  
"So, uh, Jonny. You seem pretty upset. I mean, I would be too if my manliness were insulted like that, but you gotta get over it." He paused, looking down at his bare chest for inspiration. "Hey, who is it that you're going to marry, anyway? She must be important if the General wants you to be more manly for her..."  
  
"I'm betrothed to his daughter." Jonathan said, as if speaking from another body. Akio loked around. No, it was Jon who'd said it.  
  
"Excuse me?" he asked.  
  
"I said I'm betrothed to his daughter, Ohtori. That means I'm to be her husband if your dense head couldn't comprehend it. I haven't met her, but I imagine the wedding will be soon. We were supposed to get married when she turns 18. Last time I asked, she was 17, so it must be that time. God, I haven't even thought about it for years!" He stood there, shaking his pretty red head in frustration while Akio speculated.  
  
"So... you don't have a girlfriend, right?" he asked.  
  
"No, of course not." Jonathan answered tersely.  
  
Akio calculated frantically in his head. He's not married. He's got no girlfriend. He's a tight ass. And he's wrapped around that bitch general's little finger. "You're not a VIRGIN, are you?" he ventured.  
  
Jonathan stared up at him sharply. His eyes gave that look that said, 'Hi, my name is Evil. It's my party. Welcome to my bus.'  
"What's THAT supposed to mean?"  
  
"Hey, buddy. Nothing meant by it. I just was curious, you know. And it's not fair for you to answer a question with a question. At least I give straight answers."   
  
Jonathan sighed. "All right, Ohtori. If it makes you happy, I AM a virgin. There. Just know that if you tell anyone I'm gonna feed you to my hampster."   
  
...........  
  
"You have a hampster?"  
  
"Yes. His name is Sexy Pete."  
  
...........  
  
Akio looked at Jonathan. Jonathan looked at Akio.  
  
"So you're a virgin, huh?"  
  
Jonathan rolled his eyes and dropped his arms. "Come on, Ohtori. We don't want to waste any more time." He walked off, scraping a hand through his silky red hair.  
  
Akio followed him in wonder. He tried to recall what it was like to be a virgin, but he couldn't remember anything back that far. What on earth WAS he going to do with this prude? The only thing he had going for him was the fact that he was irresistably good looking. Hmmmm....  
  
Jonathan led Akio to his house; a huge, imposing structure that had obviously cost him a fortune.  
  
"Alright, Ohtori," he said when they got there, "My room is upstairs." They walked up the stairs. They went into Jonathan's room. It was green. Akio wasn't really into green. Akio liked red. red was a good color-- "Ok. I'm going to let you use the shower. It's over there. Don't do anything stupid, Ok, Ohtori? And don't get your filth all over the bathroom, either. I need to be able to use it after this." He walked to a corner of the room and tugged off his gloves. He then removed his jacket and unzipped his bodysuit, revealing much more than Akio could have hoped for. This may have been the first man he had ever seen who was the proud owner of nipples. He gawked.  
  
Jonathan turned to him in irritation. "Well, what are you waiting for?"  
  
Akio swallowed, knowing that he was going to upset the man even further by saying what he was about to say, but he said it anyway: "Um...Jonathan? There's this paper here..." he held up one of the restrictions on his actions, "It says you're not to let me out of your sight for any moment."  
  
He waited while the information sunk in. Then came the explosion.  
  
"Oh, NOOO! ((A.K.A. SHIMOTAH!!!! if you like wolfwood)) No nonononono!" he strode over to Akio and grappled the paper from his hands. Reading it over, he found that that damn sexy bastard was right. He threw his head back and slammed it against the wall. It hurt more than he expected. He had to take a moment for the pain to recede before going on. "FINE." he assented, "We'll go together. Hell, we're both men, right? There's no problem with that?" He looked to Akio uneasily.  
  
"I have NO qualms," Akio told him.  
  
Jonathan groaned and stalked into the bathroom, flicking on the light. "Come on," he called, and Akio quickly followed. This was going to be SOOO much fun!  
  
  
*Sometimes I scare myself when I come up with things like this. Oh, but it's too good to let go!* 


	7. The Awkward Moment to Fry and Munch on a...

*Writing to Irresponsible Captain Tylor:when the ship returns to port*  
  
Jonathan just satared at Akio intently for a moment. Could he really trust this man...in the shower? Akio was looking at him curiously. It was the kind of look you get from a puppy right before you give him a treat. Finally, Jonathan just sighed and turned to get everything ready. He spread towels over the top of the shower, made sure everything that was supposed to be in there was still in there. Found a leggy insect that definitely was NOT supposed to be in there. Skished it. Flushed it. He eventually got around to turning the water on and left it to warm up. It was at this point and time that he turned to Akio who was standing there with his shirt open. Just for the heck of it.  
  
"All right." Jonathan said, giving Akio a stern look. "Just remember that this is strictly for the purpose of being clean. Ok?"  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Good." Jonathan turned away and lifted his shirt off over his head. They both continued to undress and when they finished, they stepped into the shower bay.  
  
"Gyahh!" Akio cried at the feel of the water. "It's cold! I thought you said it was 'warming up'. This is anything but warm."  
  
"If you don't like it you can sit the hell over there." Jonathan answered, apparently enjoying the frigidness.  
  
Akio decided to tough it out by just getting used to the water. Also, Jonathan provided a nice view. Akio found himself sizing up the man. At first glance, he would have been undoubtedly impressed. Jonathan was tall, slender, and waves of muscle and sinew cascaded across his body, perfectly toned. He was fairly dark-skinned, but not as dark as Akio himself. And those eyes. Jonathan had eyes that pierced through whatever he was looking at. Akio flinched as the Phoenix turned to catch him staring at him. The pretty picture was dashed the second the man opened his mouth.  
  
"Akio, please. Get your eyes the Hell off my ass. Can't you think about ANYTHING else?"  
  
Akio rolled his eyes and turned to clean himself up. He hadn't been this dirty in, like, forever. He paid less attention to the other man as he relished in the feeling of being naked, but did catch himself glancing a few times at several large scars streaking over his companion's body. Sharp glares from Jonathan's cold emerald eyes put a stop to that, though.  
  
Nearly twenty minutes of harsh scrubbing later, Jonathan stepped from the shower and wrapped a towel loosely around his waist. He walked out into the general room, then turned to find Akio dry and fully dressed. He blinked twice, "How the hell did you do THAT?"  
  
"It's a special talent of mine," Akio boasted, "I can change clothes instantaneously. Isn't that fun!?"  
  
"Yah, it's great, Akio." Jonathan answered, absorbing himself in the task of sorting through his mail. Akio had to take another moment and stare. Wisps of wet hair fell into Jonathan's face like streaks of dark blood. His hands were occupied and that left the towel to hang rather low on the man's hips, showing off a gorgeous curve where his pelvic bone jetted out from his side. Akio shook his head and wiped at a globby of drool that had somehow found its way out of his mouth.  
  
Jonathan tossed the pile of mail back on a table and walked off to a closet to get dressed. He yanked on a pair of baggy silk pants and a sleeveless jacket that he left half-zipped. He turned to Akio, looking somewhat softer.  
  
"Aren't you going to do something with your hair?"Akio asked him.  
  
Jonathan looked somewhat surprised. "Um....no."  
  
"You're not even going to BRUSH it?"  
  
"It looks fine doing it this way."  
  
"But it would look BETTER if you did stuff to it."  
  
"Akio, dammit, you're not the boss yet. Let me do things my way until we're locked in your observatory. Then you can tell me what to do with my hair, ok?"  
  
"Fine, then." Akio flung his shirt open and flopped down on the bed. Jonathan sat down as well. They both lay back on the pillows and crossed their arms behind their heads. Jonathan looked at Akio. Akio looked at Jonathan.  
  
"Ah, shit." Jon rolled over and burried his head in a pillow. "We have to freaking SLEEP together, too, don't we?"  
  
"That's affirmative."  
  
"I hate you."  
  
*ok, I promise more action next time. Don't think I'm getting rusty. I was just thinking of Jon naked and nearly fainted about 7 times. **drool** Nah! right! let's go!* 


	8. A friendly morning, a friendly game, a f...

*YASH! It's the weekend, I'm up at my favorite time of day, and I'm ready to write! Nabshin! Direct!*  
  
Jonathan awoke as the sun began spilling into his room. He kept his eyes shut and savored the feel of his own bed. He had tastefully decorated it with down pillows, ultra suede fabrics, silken sheets, Akio... AKIO!? Jonathan's eyes flew open only to find an amber arm draped across his chest. He could feel Akio's breath on his shoulder, and was painfully aware of the other man's body pressed closely to his.  
  
"A-KIO!!!!!!"  
  
The Chairman awoke with a start. He opened his eyes only to find Jonathan's scathing glare to be inches from his face. "Ahhhhh!!"  
  
They both sat up and rubbed the vision from their eyes. Akio shook out his long lavender hair. Jonathan stretched his limbs. After about 2 minutes, they managed to look at each other again.  
  
Jonathan looked at Akio. Akio looked at Jonathan.  
  
"Come on, Ohtori. Let's get going."  
  
Jonathan stood and changed back into uniform. Akio stood and was instantly changed into uniform with a grin *shing!*. It just radiated sexiness from him in waves. It made jonathan cringe. Jonathan's cringing made Akio feel more powerful. Feeling more powerful meant that Akio felt good. Akio's feeling good meant that this was going to be a wonderful day. Happy happy.  
  
The two men left the house around noon and walked into the yard. Jonathan had his maps out again and his little teleportal thingy. "Ok, Ohtori. We've come so damn far from your school that we can't get back in one shot." He pointed to Ohtori Academy, then drew his finger along several pages of map to a large circle labeled Datsia. "We're going to shoot as far towards the Academy as possible, and just hope we don't end up in something dangerous. It shouldn't be a problem considering what we went through to get here in the first place. This is sooo stupid." He glared at Akio, "We just came from there. Why didn't the general tell me that I was going to need to stay there in the first place reather than having me make two trips?" He shook his head in bewilderment.  
  
"He probably didn't know he was supposed to tell you to stay there when he sent you." Akio speculated.  
  
"And how, exactly, does that work, Akio?"  
  
"Well, you see, it happens with writers all the time when they don't know where they're going when they start a story. They make the damn plot up as they go." Akio stared up at the mystical girl typing rapidly at her computer, "See, stupid author lady? You've inconvenienced our poor little Jonathan here. You should feel ashamed." ..... ok, the author feels ashamed ..... Sorry!  
  
"Akio..?"  
  
"Yeeeeees?"  
  
"You're really weird."  
  
"It makes me more mysterious, therefore enhancing my sexiness."  
  
"Oh. Heaven forbid you lose any of THAT."  
  
"Aren't we losing time?"  
  
"Yes. Let's get going. Grab my arm," Jonathan ordered.  
  
"With pleasure."  
  
Jonathan pushed the necessary buttons on his teleportal thingy and they both stepped out of the yard and into a new world.  
  
Jonathan shook off the momentary shock from the transfer, then looked around him. They were standing in a normal room filled with chairs and tables. And Go boards. 'Oh, no,' Jonathan thought, 'We're in Hikaru no Go!' he took it in stride, though, and sat down at a table. Akio sat opposite him. They had some time to kill before they could translocate again. What better way than to play Go?  
  
"Hey, Ohtori. You know how to play Go?" Jon asked.  
  
Akio looked at the go boad set in front of him. "Um.... not really. Is it hard?"  
  
"Well, yes, but that doesn't matter. I'm not a pro or anything. Let's play. I'm white."  
  
Jonathan reviewed the rules in general and they began to play. After several minutes Jonathan felt his emotions taking over in incredibly strong forces and he could tell Akio was sweating. 'Damn this damn hikaru no go.' Jonathan thought, 'It always makes you so overemotional.' They continued to play, however, and Jonathan was winning by quite a margine when they heard hoofbeats. At first they were distant, but then grew closer. Jonathan was aware of a ripple in the dimension and he turned to see where the sound was coming from.   
  
As he looked behind him, a dark rider came into view. Jonathan immediately recognized the long-rimmed hat, flowing cape, and horned steed. It was definitely D. Akio, on the other hand, was quite stunned at the dunpeal's presence and gaped as the horse came to a stop in front of them. Jonathan stood and introduced himself.  
  
"V.H.D. It's odd seeing you here." He looked around the practically empty go salon. "Um... are there vampires here?" he asked. D narrowed his eyes and stared into the dark corners of the room. Jonathan blinked and stared at what D was staring at. Akio leaned forward and stared unwaveringly at D's legs. They were damn good legs.  
  
Suddenly, as suddenly as he'd come, D dismounted and strode across the room, dusting everything with his cape as he brushed past them. He walked right up to a shadow and plunged his arm into it. It sank surprisingly deep. Then he was sucked in.  
  
silence  
  
silence  
  
"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Jonathan and Akio tactfully threw themselves behind a table as D came rolling out of the shadow tackling something. That something was particularly large, dog-shaped, and sounded like our loveable George Nakata. ((voice actor in case you didn't know)) It also appeared to be attempting to eat poor D. The two wrestled for some time until they hit a climax consisting of a very bright light and a very loud inhuman scream.  
  
When Jonathan could see again he recognized the new figure that now stood in the center of the room. It was Alucard. He was grinning beneath his big red hat, and had his arms spread impossibly wide as if to welcome his opponent. D was standing a few feet in front of the vampire looking impassive. Now this was odd. It was also increadibly dangerous. jonathan took the initiative to stand out and cross his arms in an X.  
  
"Hold it, boys!" He said, "Time out!" The two hat-ed ones glared at him, Alucard's glasses sending a yellow glare that emanated from nowhere. "*ahem* I don't mean to be rude or anything, but this IS, in actuality, a go salon. You two don't belong here. I insist that you both go back to vampireland and duel there." He paused for a second, thoughtfully. "Hey, and aren't you both on the same side? Don't you BOTH hunt vampires?"  
  
D and Alucard stared at each other, then glanced at Jonathan. Alucard tilted his head for a better view of Akio cowering under the table. D noticed the chaiman as well and yanked his cloak over his legs. They heard an audible sigh from beneath the table, and D took the opportunity to roll his eyes in disgust. Alucard may have been rolling his eyes, too, but no one really knows what goes on under those glasses, so it cannot be stated as a fact in this particular case.  
  
Jonathan, however, knew exactly what he was doing. Nothing. He cleared his throat, "Well?"  
  
D sighed and got back on his horse. He spurred it into a gallop and rode right through the wall into another dimension. Alucard, on the other hand, grinned evilly at Jonathan. "He's just mad at me because I find my quarry faster than he." The vampire laughed and the little hairs on Jonathan's neck had a seizure. "Ah, but he's such a pushover," Alucard continued, beginning to melt back into the scenery, "I'll show him TRUE sportsmanship one of these days..." And with that, the dark being was gone.  
  
Jonathan and Akio took the remaining few moments to spasmodically shudder repeatedly. Finally, Jonathan took a gander at his watch and realized it was time to move on. He let out a deep sigh of relief and opened another teleportal through which, he transported Akio and himself to what he hoped would be Ohtori Academy...  
  
*Ok, so that took a little longer than I thought. And sorry about the vampire thing. I'm listening to the Hellsing OST's and they just do that to you. I promise you some cheese next time!* 


	9. Back to the Daily Grind: Alcohol, Touga,...

*time for the meat of the plot. It sure did take me long enough.*  
  
To his incredible relief, Jonathan found himself once again in Akio's observatory. He collapsed on one of the white couches and was immediately joined by a shirtless Akio. They sat in silence for a moment. Okay, it was more like two moments. But they did get up finally. Akio stood and surveyed his room for any trace of liquor. He disappeared behind the telescope for a little bit, then reappeared holding two glasses.  
  
"Would you like a chairman?" he asked, lifting a glass for emphasis.  
  
Jonathan considered, then nodded his aquiescence.  
  
"Good!" Akio countered. He was beginning to get his momentum back. He knocked down the chairman in a single gulp and set the empty container on the table this time, remembering what happened last time he finished one of these.... ((think back to chapter one...you can do it.....)) "Okay! We shouldn't waste any time, you know. I need to get you a uniform so you won't be questioned. And we HAVE to do something with your hair."  
  
Jonathan recoiled as the other man fussed over him, suggesting this and that, and began to realize how slow time was going to move for him here. His inner turmoil was flattened, however, when the elevator dinged. Akio flung himself onto the couch, appropriated himseklf with a chairman from out of nowhere, made sure his shirt hung as far open as possible, and stuck a pose that immediately suggested that he was comfortable, dazedly sexy, and completely at ease. Jonathan just looked up through his loose hair and clung to his couch.  
  
Touga stepped through the doors when they opened and sparkled a little bit. He didn't get far, though. He took one look at Akio sitting atop his couch and smiled with sexy rapture. He took one look at Jonathan grappling with his couch like a half wild thing poised for flight ((okay, so I stole that simile. SORRY.)) and gave him a sultry stare.   
  
"What is this?" he asked prettily, his voice like nothing else. I fact, he had the voice of god. Unfortunately for the writer, those last two sentences contradict, because the voice of god appears in nearly every anime she's seen. He still has a really damn good voice. ((we all love you, takehito koyasu!))  
  
Akio looked over at Jonathan nonchalantly, as if he'd just at that moment registered the man's presence. "Oh, him?" he asked, his own voice lowered to it's lowest timbres, "He'll be staying with me for a little while."  
  
Touga's shirt flew open.  
  
Akio stared.  
  
Jonathan just kinda sat there being really disgusted and unhappy about being the only hetero in the academy.  
  
Akio brightened up a little bit as an idea struck him. "You know, Touga..." he began, "I think I'll let you in on a little secret."  
  
Touga perked up immediately, "You mean how you're really using everyone in the whole academy to accomplish your purposes so you can destroy the world?"  
  
Akio stared at him, then snaped a red rose into existence and gnawed on it.  
  
Touga shut up.  
  
"Wow, that's cool." Jonathan interjected.  
  
Akio looked over at him warmly, "I know! ^-^" He then cleared his throat and turned his attention back to the red0haired beauty at the door ((not to be confused with the red-haired beauty at the couch)). "No, Touga. I'm going to tell who this man is. His name is Jonathan and he's here to learn from me the Ohtori art of sexiness. I was just thinking that maybe you could help me out with him a little bit." He cocked an eyebrow to elaborate silently the kinds of rewards involved.   
  
Touga quickly agreed.  
  
"Good. We'll start by taking him for a short ride." With a wink, Akio stood and waltzed to the door. Literally. jonathan followed him, looking awkward in his stiff, military movements. Akio pivoted on his heel abruptly. "First lesson, birdy-boy. You can't walk like that. You have to glide." he demostrated by 'gliding' into the elevator with a very excited Touga and motioned for Jonathan to follow his lead.  
  
This was possibly the most embarrassing thing Jonathan had ever been asked to do in his life up to that point. He sighed inwardly, left all thoughts of the real world behind him, and slid over the smooth floor flawlessly to join the two men as they descended.  
  
**you thought that was the end, didn't you**  
  
The moment was shattered, however, when they hit the bottom. Akio stopped the doors from opening and pressed the button to go back up. Touga looked at him strangely for a milisecond, then put it down to the other man's weirdness. jonathan was not so accustomed.   
  
"Uh.... Why are we going back up?" he asked.  
  
"My car's upstairs."  
  
  
**There. now it's over. No more excuses to stop reading early, okay!? Yah, that's what I thought.** 


	10. Introduction of the Beloved Seaweed Head

*okay, now that I've refreshed myself with some lovely utena pictures, I feel that I will be able to portray the loveliness of the characters in a way that i have previously not been able to do. Wow, that sentence was long and stupid. Prepare for more!*  
  
After an evening of rding in Akio's car, Jonathan was somewhat relieved when he finally set foot on solid ground again. Touga was ecstatic, and appeared to have been enjoying the wind in his hair way too much the whole time. Akio, after some stunning acrobatics, was just Akio.  
  
Once back in the observatory, the three of them lounged around with their shirts open for a bit while Akio entertained them with stories about what the stars mean and other boring shit like that. Soon all had calmed down, just in time for an outburst by Akio.  
  
"Oh, hey!" he said suddenly, sitting up. Unfortunately, the movement of sitting up caused Touga to fall of the couch they had been .....sitting..... on with a particularly unceremonious 'gwumph'. Akio continued undaunted, "Jonathan, I've been thinking about this since I met you, and now's the perfect time!" He stood up enthusiastically.  
  
"Gwuuuumph!"  
  
"Sorry about that, Touga. Anyway, I want to take your picture."  
  
"What?"  
  
"It's so much fun. I have this magical stack of cars that we can all stand on and we'll take pictures of each other. It's a delicate art." Akio was obviously very excited. This excitement in turn got Touga excited.  
  
"He's right, Jonathan," he chimed in, sitting up on the floor and smoothing his immaculate hair. "Although, I must say, it would be even better if we invited Saionji. He severely needs more camera time."  
  
"Ah, perfect, Touga. Go and fetch him for me. I'll get everything set up."  
  
Touga left the room, his jacket flapping around his sides as he attempted to button it again, realized that it was going to be difficult while he was running, and just flung it open again.  
  
Once the President was gone, The Chairman turned to the Phoenix. ((wow, wasn't that fun))  
  
"Okay, now. Here's your first chance to be stunningly beautiful. First of all, get youself out of those clothes. You'll need a uniform for this." Akio went on and on about all the 'wonderful' things they were going to do to make Jonathan more 'beautiful'. Personally, Jonathan thought it was a big waste of quotes. ((badoom ching!))  
  
* * *  
  
Meanwhile, Touga was on a quest for his only friend. He first went to the little building thing where Saionji always was. Stunningly, Saionji wasn't there. Touga slid into the dark, unfurnished room on his heels. He looked around, letting his eyes adjust to the light. Usually he could see his friend's giant kendo pants in the dark, but there was nothing there.   
  
"Kssa!"  
  
He couldn't think of anyplace else to look for his beloved seaweed-headed one. Fortunately for Touga, he didn't have to worry too much, for as he turned a corner, he bounded directly into the man he was looking for, knocking both their shirts open. On impulse, Saionji began to yell at him. After a few incomprehensible curses, however, he caught on to his friend's mood.  
  
"What are you doing out here?" he asked, "Something for Sekai no hate?" ((the End of the World, for all you non perceptive people)) ........ ((Okay, so i didn't know that's what it meant forever, either, just bear with me))  
  
Touga gave the other man a sultry stare and ran a hand down his own stomache. That got Saionji up.  
  
"What does he want? I thought I told you that I thought I wanted no part of whatever you told me I thought I wanted!"  
  
Touga blinked at him for a while.  
  
Saionji blinked at himself for a while. "Uh...What does he want?"  
  
"He's got a new student staying with him, and he thought that we'd all take some pictures."  
  
Saionji considered this. "I don't know. I was gonna go practice kendo a little...."  
  
Touga stepped up to the green-haired man and shook him. "Saionji!" he yelled, making his voice sound veeeeery good, "Get a hold of yourself! You always complain about never having any camera time, yet you bring it upon yourself! Now I'll ask you again nicely. You can either come with me and be sexy for a while, or you can go practice and be sweaty for a while. Which will it be?!"  
  
"I don't sweat, I glisten."  
  
"Really? Me, too."  
  
They both stood together for a moment looking incredibly sexy. Then they nodded at each other smartly and hopped on the nearest bike and rode back to Akio's tower.  
  
* * *  
  
When they arrived once again at the Chairman's humble abode, they were astounded to find that Akio wasn't lounging sexily on one of his couches. He wasn't even in sight.   
  
Touga walked in a few paces, "Akio?"  
  
"Hai!?" Came a very sexy voice from somewhere invisible.  
  
"I'm back, Akio. I found Saionji, too. Where are you?"  
  
"Here, Touga." Akio stepped out from behind some large thing that he kept in his room for no reason. "Look what I've got."  
  
He beckoned to something behind the large imposing thing, and Jonathan stepped from behind it.   
  
Touga gasped. Saionji gasped. Akio grinned *ching*.  
  
Jonathan was....well... stunningly beautiful. None of them could believe it. He was wearing a white Ohtori Academy uniform, and his hair was perfectly combed and conditioned so it fell in wisps over his face. His neck and chest were generously exposed by the fact that his shirt was unbuttoned. His pants were unzipped, and he had little stringy things hanging off his jacket. No one really knew what the stringy things meant or what they stood for, but he had them. He must have been well-thought-of by Akio, then.  
  
"Well, what the Hell are you all staring at? I'm me! Nothing's changed. I don't like that thirsty look in your eyes, Touga!"  
  
Saionji didn't like it, either. "That's why I hate you, Touga." he said, and turned around. "You're so conceited. You think you can just look at anyone with that look in your eyes and anyone who's looking at you looks at that look like anyone can look at you with that look."   
  
Akio gave Touga a strange, raised eyebrow look that said as clearly as spring water, "huh?". "When did he start doing THAT?" he asked.  
  
Touga sighed, "I don't know, but it's damn annoying. Saionji, you know you don't hate me. I'm you're only friend, and you're my only friend."  
  
"You don't know what friendship IS!" Saionji screamed, fwipping his hair. It sparkled a little and went *ching*.  
  
Akio considered the outburst. "Perhaps you would like a chairman.....?"  
  
Saionji wavered a little, but stayed where he was.  
  
".....And a cactus?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
*naaa. I'd forgotten my love for Saionji's weirdness. And I don't know where that weird speech problem came from, but it suits him, ne? Anyway, I've made it to ten now, I've got to have something happen plotwise, don't you think?* 


End file.
